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Author Topic: Please: Clean Jokes Only  (Read 22187 times)

Offline jmscon

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #125 on: December 31, 2016, 08:18:42 PM »
This is a true story!

A high school friend of mine was in town on break from college. He had drank two 40 oz. bottles of Old English malt liquor and was passed out in a chair in another friends room. At some point he had puked on himself and on the floor. He woke up and noticed the puke and started yelling "Who puked on me, who the _____ puked on me!". The friend, who was now looking a a puddle of puke on his floor, said "You puked on yourself!", "Oh" was the response and he passed out again. 20 minutes later a gain the yelling "Who puked on me, who the ____ puked on me!".
I don't know what I'm talking about because I live in the BIG CITY!
Once I thought I was wrong but I was mistaken.

Offline csaaphill

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #126 on: January 01, 2017, 01:02:44 AM »
This is a true story!

A high school friend of mine was in town on break from college. He had drank two 40 oz. bottles of Old English malt liquor and was passed out in a chair in another friends room. At some point he had puked on himself and on the floor. He woke up and noticed the puke and started yelling "Who puked on me, who the _____ puked on me!". The friend, who was now looking a a puddle of puke on his floor, said "You puked on yourself!", "Oh" was the response and he passed out again. 20 minutes later a gain the yelling "Who puked on me, who the ____ puked on me!".
:chuckle:
similar to one of mine but instead of puke he woke up to one of our Girl friends on his chest.  :yike:
Liberty = Permission granted if you have to ask it's not liberty.
Tyranny= Absolute power
Daniel 2vers 44 and shall not be left to other people no more. Meaning mans Govornment will be no more.
The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government – lest it come to dominate our lives and interests. – Patrick Henry

Offended good Merry Christmas and God Bless

Offline csaaphill

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #127 on: January 01, 2017, 01:10:11 AM »
Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"

The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.

The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.

The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.

Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"

The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"
Liberty = Permission granted if you have to ask it's not liberty.
Tyranny= Absolute power
Daniel 2vers 44 and shall not be left to other people no more. Meaning mans Govornment will be no more.
The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government – lest it come to dominate our lives and interests. – Patrick Henry

Offended good Merry Christmas and God Bless

Offline csaaphill

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #128 on: January 08, 2017, 12:44:36 AM »
 :tup:
 Q: What do you call an elf who sings?
A: a wrapper!
 Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?
 A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Liberty = Permission granted if you have to ask it's not liberty.
Tyranny= Absolute power
Daniel 2vers 44 and shall not be left to other people no more. Meaning mans Govornment will be no more.
The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government – lest it come to dominate our lives and interests. – Patrick Henry

Offended good Merry Christmas and God Bless

Offline csaaphill

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #129 on: January 15, 2017, 07:58:48 PM »
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone." - See more at: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/food-jokes#sthash.UeSGaiEg.dpuf
Liberty = Permission granted if you have to ask it's not liberty.
Tyranny= Absolute power
Daniel 2vers 44 and shall not be left to other people no more. Meaning mans Govornment will be no more.
The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government – lest it come to dominate our lives and interests. – Patrick Henry

Offended good Merry Christmas and God Bless

Offline csaaphill

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #130 on: January 18, 2017, 11:19:06 PM »
 :tup:
Liberty = Permission granted if you have to ask it's not liberty.
Tyranny= Absolute power
Daniel 2vers 44 and shall not be left to other people no more. Meaning mans Govornment will be no more.
The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government – lest it come to dominate our lives and interests. – Patrick Henry

Offended good Merry Christmas and God Bless

Offline Seahawk12

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #131 on: January 20, 2017, 12:53:32 PM »
 :P
"Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast!"

Offline smdave

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #132 on: January 26, 2017, 12:28:42 AM »
My uncle has 2 tickets for the 2017 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 for each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be the same day of his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place ... It's at United Methodist Church, Mt. Clemens @ 3PM. Her name is Connie, she is 5'6", about 120 lbs, has her own fishing boat and loves to hunt. She's a great cook too ... she'll be the one in the white dress.
When I pass, do not let my wife sell the guns for what I told her they cost.

Offline Skyvalhunter

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #133 on: January 26, 2017, 05:27:52 AM »
Can she pack her own weight out on a hunt? :chuckle:

Offline Elkcollector82

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #134 on: January 28, 2017, 11:54:50 AM »
 :chuckle:

Offline csaaphill

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #135 on: January 28, 2017, 07:30:52 PM »
Bill: Hey, Bob, why do you hate your mother-in-law so much?

Bob: She’s from Chicago.

Bill: Chicago? What’s that got to do with it?

Bob: She’s Ill-annoying.
Liberty = Permission granted if you have to ask it's not liberty.
Tyranny= Absolute power
Daniel 2vers 44 and shall not be left to other people no more. Meaning mans Govornment will be no more.
The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government – lest it come to dominate our lives and interests. – Patrick Henry

Offended good Merry Christmas and God Bless

Offline wadu1

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #136 on: January 31, 2017, 09:05:25 PM »
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 inches long?



A π thon
"a fronte praecipitium a tergo lupi"

Offline csaaphill

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #137 on: February 05, 2017, 08:39:57 PM »
'I once had a job in a deli, but just couldn't slice it. No matter how hard I tried, I could not cut the mustard.'"

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A day without sunshine is like, night.
Liberty = Permission granted if you have to ask it's not liberty.
Tyranny= Absolute power
Daniel 2vers 44 and shall not be left to other people no more. Meaning mans Govornment will be no more.
The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government – lest it come to dominate our lives and interests. – Patrick Henry

Offended good Merry Christmas and God Bless

Offline Windwalker

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #138 on: April 04, 2017, 09:14:51 PM »

Ole, the smoothest-talking Norske in the Minnesota National Guard and a natural born salesman, got called up to active duty.
 
Ole's first assignment was in a military induction center.
Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI life insurance, to which they were entitled.
 
The officer in charge soon noticed that Ole was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance.
This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.
 
The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Ole's sales pitch.
Ole stood up before the latest group of inductees and said.
"If you haf da normal GI insurans an' yoo go to Afghanistan an' get yourself killed, da governmen' pays yer beneficiary $20,000.
If yoo take out da supplemental insurans, vich cost you only t'irty dollars a mont, den da governmen' got ta pay yer beneficiary $200,000! Now, Ole concluded...
 
"Vich bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan first?"
"Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it." -- Tom Paine
The hour is fast approaching, on which the Honor, Success and safety of our bleeding Country depends

Offline csaaphill

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #139 on: April 04, 2017, 10:32:59 PM »
1. What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”

2. You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?



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Because they’re really good at it.

3. What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. Where does the General keep his armies?

In his sleevies!

6. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

The don’t meet the koalafications.

7. A bear walks into a restaurant and say’s “I want a grilllllled………………………………………cheese.” The waiter says “Whats with the pause?”

The bear replies “Whaddya mean, I’M A BEAR.”

8. What do you call bears with no ears?

B

9. Why dont blind people skydive?

Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.



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10. I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

11. What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

12. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”

The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”

13. I saw a wino eating grapes.

I told him, you gotta wait. (Mitch Hedberg)

14. What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

15. What does a pepper do when it’s angry?

It gets jalapeño face!
Liberty = Permission granted if you have to ask it's not liberty.
Tyranny= Absolute power
Daniel 2vers 44 and shall not be left to other people no more. Meaning mans Govornment will be no more.
The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government – lest it come to dominate our lives and interests. – Patrick Henry

Offended good Merry Christmas and God Bless

Offline JDHasty

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NORTH DAKOTA BANK ROBBERY
« Reply #140 on: May 25, 2017, 09:20:31 AM »


  A HOODED ROBBER BURST INTO A NORTH DAKOTA BANK AND FORCED THE TELLERS
 TO LOAD A SACK FULL OF CASH.

  ON HIS WAY OUT THE DOOR, A BRAVE NORTH DAKOTA CUSTOMER GRABBED THE HOOD
 AND PULLED IT OFF,

  REVEALING THE ROBBER'S FACE

  THE ROBBER SHOT THE CUSTOMER WITHOUT A MOMENT’S HESITATION.

  HE THEN LOOKED AROUND THE BANK AND NOTICED ONE OF THE TELLERS LOOKING
 STRAIGHT AT HIM.

  THE ROBBER INSTANTLY SHOT HIM ALSO.

  EVERYONE IN THE BANK, BY NOW VERY SCARED, LOOKED INTENTLY DOWN AT THE
 FLOOR IN SILENCE.

  THE ROBBER YELLED, "WELL, DID ANYONE ELSE SEE MY FACE?"

  THERE ARE A FEW MOMENTS OF UTTER SILENCE IN WHICH EVERYONE WAS PLAINLY
 TOO AFRAID TO SPEAK.

  THEN, ONE OLD NORWEGIAN NAMED OLE FROM NORTH DAKOTA TENTATIVELY RAISED
 HIS HAND AND SAID,

  "MY WIFE GOT A PRETTY GOOD LOOK AT YOU."

Offline gaddy

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #141 on: May 31, 2017, 09:43:43 AM »
Why don't oysters give to charities ? Because they are shellfish.

Offline pianoman9701

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #142 on: May 31, 2017, 11:18:47 AM »
 :chuckle: Some off these are very funny. Some of them.  :chuckle:
"Restricting the rights of law-abiding citizens based on the actions of criminals and madmen will have no positive effect on the future acts of criminals and madmen. It will only serve to reduce individual rights and the very security of our republic." - Pianoman

Offline csaaphill

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #143 on: June 03, 2017, 10:22:58 PM »
 :chuckle:
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat...

 Says He: "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today"

 Says She: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."

 Says He: "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?"

 Says She: "Well, the air bag works..."
Liberty = Permission granted if you have to ask it's not liberty.
Tyranny= Absolute power
Daniel 2vers 44 and shall not be left to other people no more. Meaning mans Govornment will be no more.
The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government – lest it come to dominate our lives and interests. – Patrick Henry

Offended good Merry Christmas and God Bless

Offline goldenhtr

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #144 on: June 13, 2017, 08:33:33 PM »
I could have been a doctor!

How I Nearly Became A Doctor

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS" into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.












Those who answered "spine" are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes by email.

Offline goldenhtr

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #145 on: June 13, 2017, 09:04:50 PM »
Old Dr. Geezer became very bored in retirement and
decided to open a medical clinic. He put a signup outside that said:
"Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get
back $1,000."


Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about
medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to make some quick money, so he
went to Dr.Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young:
"Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ?"

Dr. Geezer:
"Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young:"Aaagh! This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer:
"Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days
figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I can not remember anything."

Dr. Geezer:
"Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young:
"Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer:
"Congratulations!You've got your memory back . That will be $500."

Dr. Young, having now lost $1000, leaves angrily but comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak--- I can hardly see anything."


Dr. Geezer:
"Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back," giving him a $10 bill.

Dr. Young:
"But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer:
"Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story-- Just because you're" Young" doesn't mean that you can out smart an "old Geezer."

Remember:
Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

Offline Seahawk12

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #146 on: June 19, 2017, 08:19:23 AM »
While walking down the street one day Hillary Clinton is hit by a truck and dies.

Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to Heaven,” says St.Peter.

“Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a politician around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says Hillary.

“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says Hillary.

“I’m sorry but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell.

The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends, along with other politicians who had worked with her.

Everyone is very happy and in glamorous evening dress.

They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.

“Now it’s time to visit Heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with Hillary joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

Clinton reflects for a minute, then answers: “Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”

So, Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The Devil comes over to her and grins menacingly.

“I don’t understand,” stammers Hillary. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable!”

The Devil Smiles & Says ‘Yesterday we were campaigning, today you voted for us!’
"Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast!"

Offline csaaphill

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #147 on: June 20, 2017, 09:42:14 PM »
 :chuckle:
 A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer."

 When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.

 The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way
Liberty = Permission granted if you have to ask it's not liberty.
Tyranny= Absolute power
Daniel 2vers 44 and shall not be left to other people no more. Meaning mans Govornment will be no more.
The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government – lest it come to dominate our lives and interests. – Patrick Henry

Offended good Merry Christmas and God Bless

Offline JDHasty

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #148 on: June 21, 2017, 12:11:57 PM »
God is out walking along the property line between Heaven and Hell when he comes across Satan building a fence that is obviously well across the property line on Heaven’s side. God walks up to Satan and says, “that’s a nice looking fence you’re building, but there’s a problem.

Satan looks up at Him and says, “Oh yeah? What would that be?”

“It’s on my property and I can’t allow that. You’re going to have to move it back onto your property”

“Really? And just how are you going to make me do that?”

“Well,” God replies, “if you’re not going to cooperate, then I guess I just have to sue.”

Satan laughs, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to find a lawyer.”

Offline Special T

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Re: Please: Clean Jokes Only
« Reply #149 on: June 21, 2017, 12:16:43 PM »
:chuckle: Some off these are very funny. Some of them.  :chuckle:
I'm particularly fond of Norski jokes...

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[Today at 12:35:54 AM]


Wolves in Kapowsin Tree farm by Duckslayer89
[Today at 12:04:27 AM]


How many points do you have for your once in a lifetime hunt? Point creep.... by huntnphool
[Yesterday at 11:38:02 PM]


Upper Entiat Valley - Closed by muleracks
[Yesterday at 11:28:43 PM]


Great Job WDFW by X-Force
[Yesterday at 11:05:21 PM]


Custom Shops in WA by 257 Wby Mag
[Yesterday at 10:57:16 PM]


perfect duck boat by Call em in
[Yesterday at 10:56:26 PM]


fillthefreezer send me a PM by lamrith
[Yesterday at 10:37:02 PM]


Plumber needed by CLARKTAR
[Yesterday at 10:29:49 PM]


Desert Quality by dhorn
[Yesterday at 10:25:41 PM]


Interesting Cheytac 375 HAMR video by Alchase
[Yesterday at 10:11:11 PM]


A better point system - no points by SteelheadTed
[Yesterday at 10:02:35 PM]


Lake Washington Sockeye by huntnphool
[Yesterday at 09:58:10 PM]


Hey KFhunter by KFhunter
[Yesterday at 09:52:02 PM]


Bear size by carpsniperg2
[Yesterday at 09:51:50 PM]


blue ridge hunting ranch by str8meat
[Yesterday at 09:50:18 PM]


Black smithing by carpsniperg2
[Yesterday at 09:31:01 PM]