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Author Topic: In 2020, Everyone needs A good laugh!  (Read 1011 times)

Offline Kazekurt

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In 2020, Everyone needs A good laugh!
« on: June 05, 2020, 02:03:55 PM »
Whisperings from a deranged mind take 1

To all my friends out there, I have set a goal to spread more positivity and levity to the world.  2020 has kicked us all in the nuts repeatedly, more than any year I can remember, but that doesn’t mean we can’t share a laugh together... so in the coming days, I’d like to share some thoughts from a few  of my favorite humorists mingled with my own deranged introspections and commentary.

To start this off, it would be a gross injustice to choose anyone but Dave Barry.  IMHO, Dave is a genius who’s wit and ability to find humor in the ordinary is legendary.  On the Mount Rushmore of great minds, I’m pretty sure it’s Plato, Socrates, Aristotle, and Dave Barry. 

Dave’s “Complete Guide to Guys” is one of my all time favs and should be required reading in every American Literature coarse!   It is literally scripture for every man cave and should hold an esteemed position in the room for quick reference.  In the book, Dave dives into the male thought process and nails it on pretty much every take, but his thoughts on men’s restroom etiquette are especially poignant.  Now, most of society would probably agree that public restrooms are not the place for behavioral studies... but Dave does not conform to such social mores and his observations here are fascinating!  So, without further ado,  let me give you a Comprehensive analysis and expanded commentary on Dave’s research in the men’s room.

First off, to all my lady friends following along, I recognize that these concepts may be foreign to you.  However, since most of you probably live in Washington, a state where restroom attendance is no longer determined by a southerly glance into your britches, it is important that you understand the rules of engagement so that you will not step out of line if you decide to pay us a visit😬. 

Rule #1.  First man(errr person) in must select a polar stall.  There is like a law irrevocably decrease in heaven that mandates this as it sets the entire process into motion.  A polar stall is, of course, a stall on one end or the other and must be selected so that the second man in can select a stall as far away from you as possible.

Rule #2.  Second man in takes the polar stall opposite the one selected by man 1.  Seriously people, if you want to watch someone squirm, pull up in the stall right next to someone when there are further options available and you will see them get really uncomfortable. 

Rule #3.  Third man in must take middle stall, thereby leaving a buffer stall between him and both Man 1 and Man 2. 

Rule #4.  Fourth man in, seeing all stalls are occupied (buffer stalls don’t count) must head to an enclosed stall, even if the circumstances of his visit do not necessitate it.   

Rule #5.  Everyone at the stalls must stare straight forward with intense focus.  I mean seriously, stare at those porcelain tiles as if the secret to life is engraved upon them.  Do not glance right or left... not even if you think a homicide may be taking place somewhere else in the room. 

Rule #6.  When the horses are out of the barn, communication is not allowed. 

The Enclosed Stall

Limited amounts of Communication are allowed within the  enclosed stalls.  It is appropriate to request a courtesy flush if your neighbor is lighting up the next stall like the 4th of July sky.  It is also appropriate to request a pass under of a few squares of TP if you’re caught short.  Believe me, no one wants to see you make the walk to the neighboring stall with your trousers hanging at half mast!  That being said, communication should be limited, and the throne is not the place to discuss Dickens’ “A Tale of Two Cities” and it’s relevance to post industrial Britain. 
 
There is, however, one instance in which creative expression is allowed in the men’s room, provided the proper format is employed,  and that is through the use of stall poetry.  Stall poetry, much like the sonnet, Haiku, or Limerick, is governed by strict poetic mechanics.  To qualify, your message must begin with either the phrase, “Here I sit” or “For a good time call” and Illustrations are allowed without restriction. 

I would also like to take this opportunity to highlight one way in which male bathroom etiquette greatly differs from our female counterparts.  While it is common for one female to announce the need to visit the lady’s room, only to  have it spread to every other female in the dinner party like a bad case of Covid 19, this should NEVER happen in the male world.  Pack visitation is absolutely forbidden in the men’s room.  However, if a scenario arises were a number of males in one party ACTUALLY has to go at the same time, exceptions can be made provided you stagger your entrance into the lavatory, pretend you have never seen each other before in your entire life, and all rules of stall etiquette and communication are followed with exactness. 

Footnote to the Ladies following along...  Us males are wise to your rouse of heading to the lady’s room to discuss us.  However, we choose not to say anything because that 15 minutes is usually more than enough time to plan future hunts and in some cases, even purchase more hunting gear online.

 


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