I am sorry for your pain. I lost my Dad 30 years ago and I think I like him better, appreciate him more, understand him more now, then, then,. That might not make sense but as I grew I understood things he said and did better. I forgave him for my perceived injustices.
As you process your loss I hope, and think you will, love your Dad more than ever, and you will carry him around in your heart.
I am trying to say something good, I hope it came thru.
Carl