RED ALERT! RED ALERT!!!

SALT THIEF, WE HAVE A SALT THIEF IN THE WOODS, RED ALERT, RED ALERT.
FAT OLD MEN IN THE WOODS ARE SALT THIEFS...WE NEED TO CALL THE AUTHORITIES

ALL SALT THIEFS BEWARE, WE WILL TAKE PICTURES OF YOU AND YOUR SNEAKERS AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHO YOU ARE!!!
THIS HAS BEEN A RED ALERT BROADCAST ON THE HUNTING WASHINGTON WEBSITE.

SALT THIEFS BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID...WE ARE COMING FOR YOU

AND YOUR SNEAKERS!!!