Just Sad...

[Becky]

I need help. I don't really know what I need help with but I feel so lost right now.

Last Wednesday my coworker unexpectedly passed away, he was only 54. He wasn't just a coworker though, I don't just have a job, this is a family and almost truer than a lot of my real family. I've been raised by these people for the last decade and I just lost one. His name was Brit and he was a true mentor to me. He was a big goofy Star Wars loving, gun-nut, hunter, lifetime NRA member, tinfoil hat wearing genius computer nerd. He'd listen to talk news day in and day out. I never had to watch the news myself to know the latest Hillary craziness.... and then I'd tell him about all the latest hunting rules and regulation and drama on here. He grew up hunting in North Carolina and part of the real reason I started pursuing my interest in any of this world. He had no kids, and passed down his beautiful aluminum grumman canoe to me and Smossy a few years ago so we could fish ON the lake instead of beside it.

I don't know why but he plucked me out of college a decade ago and seen something in me and taught me so much, we became mad computer scientists that won our contracts because of our awesome XML coding skills...  We would bicker back and forth about the MIL-STD and I'd reference why I'm right... he hated that, because I always was, but he loved it. My boss said one of the last days he was here before he went to the hospital he was helping her carry out a package and he said "You know... I hate when Becky says 'Well I think....' when we disagree because damnit if she isn't always right. I don't know where we'd be without her." .. but it's not me, we're lost without HIM!

I don't know what I'm doing at work. I second guess everything. I have no confidence. I can't stop crying, I'm spontaneously combusting. I just hate this, I hate this feeling, I've never lost anyone before and I am not strong. When does it go away?

RIP Brit Smith
<life>10/10/62-10/12/16</life>

[Dan-o]

So sorry......

[Widgeondeke]

Sorry for your loss

I'd say this thread is a good start

[syoungs]

So sorry for your loss.

Time heals all, just focus on the good times, and don't stress yourself with work, it'll get easier as time goes on...

[elkboy]

So sorry for your loss, SG.  The pain will ease with time (get some counseling help if it really doesn't), and you will balance the grief of loss with the memories of the great things he did in your life, and who he was to you. 

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.   

[JDHasty]

h my God   I don't know what to say. 

[jay.sharkbait]

I keep reading his last texts to me while he was in the hospital. I was training a new employee that just started and I remember I couldn't wait until Brit got out and he'd see this guy's progress.

So now you are the mentor...

[sumpnz]

Condolences.

Can't really add anything more, as I've never been through that kind of thing.  Hope you find your peace in all of the commotion and emotions.

[Southpole]

Sorry for your loss

I'd say this thread is a good start

You're reaching to people you find comforting, pour away to us. Sorry for your loss

[cbond3318]

Sorry for your loss SG, it will get easier to bear. Promise.

[jennabug]

So sorry for you loss. Keep venting here. I wish I could do more.

[Mudman]

Continue to celebrate him and your good memories.  Time heals but memories always stay with you.  Stay confident in your ability, when your mind clears some you will continue the work you excelled at.  I always think of the good times I shared with the ones I have lost and thank God for giving us that gift.

[trophyhunt]

Sorry for your loss Becky, keep your chin up and let time heal.

[Mark Brenckle]

Sorry for your loss SG, he was obviously a great man and a great mentor to you.  All I can honestly say to help you through this is to talk to others that were close to him, celebrate his life and the things that he taught you. You'll get through this and be stronger for it, but when you think of him or something happens that reminds you of him, it will still hurt for a long time.   

[DaveMonti]

I'm sorry to hear of your grief SG.  My thoughts are with you. 
When it feels right, perhaps you can organize a small memorial event among your co-workers or others that knew him.  Maybe now is not the time, but you'll know when the time is right.
In the meantime, you've got a legitimate reason to be sad.  There is great comfort in knowing how to tolerate your sadness.
Dave

[Sitka_Blacktail]

Tough, tough, tough....... But he wouldn't want you to hurt too long over this. He wanted you to succeed from the start, that is clear. The best thing you can do is to take what he taught you and run with it and do your best to do what would have made him proud. You'll honor him by your efforts. Have the same faith and trust in yourself he had.

I'm not saying to forget him. Or to not grieve. I'm saying to justify his faith in you.

As for grieving, when you are really close to someone, it takes time to "get over it". Time is about the only thing that will dull the pain and feelings of loss. But you'll wake up one morning and smile when you think of him instead of feeling sad.

[Rainier10]

I am so sorry for your loss.  Trust yourself, he trusted you, you know your stuff.  I am sure you are shaken, lean on those around you to steady yourself.

Again super sorry to hear of your loss.

[Fl0und3rz]

Sorry for your loss.

[Brushbuster]

So sorry for the pain you are feeling SG.

There will be a time, when the thought of your mentor and friend will bring a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye. My prayer for you is that day will come sooner than later.

Brushbuster

[Igottanewknee]

Sorry for your loss. As others have posted, it gets better...

[pianoman9701]

Sorry, my friend.

[kellama2001]

So sorry to hear, he sounds like a great man. Unfortunately I have lots of experience with grief, and everyone's right, it takes time time and more time. In my experience it never stops hurting, you just learn to deal with the pain better over time. You rearrange your life to adjust to the new "normal", life without that person. Try to focus on the happy memories and be sure to keep talking to people as long as you need to. Internalizing the hurt will only make it worse. Going through every stage of grief is the only way to heal. My thoughts and prayers are with you and all who are affected by his loss 

[bracer40]

Losing loved ones sucks......worse than probably anything else...."when will the pain go away?" In my experience, it never does.  But it does get more bearable. Unfortunately it takes time...spending time with others who've experienced similar loss can help......time in nature's helped....

My condolences to you.

[Becky]

Thank you all, so much. You have no idea. I was up so late last night just writing, writing about him, up until probably 2-3 am. I wanted to share so badly how interesting he was and how much I wish I could have talked him into joining the forum. Social media in any form was absolutely the LAST thing he could fathom doing and I feel he was dragged into this last decade kicking and screaming. Old soul yet just an absolutely insane computer nerd and old “white hat” hacker, whatever that means.

I think it just all finally hit me yesterday. Brit has had some medical issues, he survived two bouts of cancer before I ever knew him. Last year he ended up admitted to Good Sam for a couple weeks because he had gotten a flu so bad he puked in his sleep and aspirated into his lungs, his throat closed up, and thankfully his wife had gotten an ambulance in time. To me he was ALWAYS such a fighter.

Our company LOVES guns and staunch supporter of 2A I’ll just say. Shana my boss and I took a handgun class some years ago because Brit and Keith absolutely INSISTED we get our CPL to protect ourselves coming and going from work. Once I had my little daily carry Sig, Keith took me out with his family to the woods to train me the ins and outs of my own gun and to be completely comfortable holstering, shooting, having it on me. We spent hours that day, he had a whole training course setup for his daughter (same age) and me, complete with obstacles and even an old purse he picked up from the Goodwill so we knew how to carry it with our hand on the gun and shoot through it if necessary. He is a retired air force veteran, and he knows his handguns. Then there was Brit on the other hand, he was the eccentric. He chose not to have kids in his life because he was “selfish” (his words). He loved his toys - legos, fun robots, kites, his computers and his guns. He was the rifle man for sure, we had a thick steel plate on display he shot through from his 50 cal at such and such distance (I don’t remember), but I was dying to shoot it. He was trying to teach me about uppers and lowers, silencers and tax stamps, he had an FFL license back in the day.

I had bought an AR-15 pistol a couple months back and I was SO excited. I was so excited to learn from him and I wanted to build it from what I learnt from him and show it to him. Our company picnic we had plans to go out for a day of all of us bringing our small arsenal to head into the woods. Brit started getting sick though... He just didn’t feel good, and that was rare for him to ever miss work. He’d come in a couple days and then be home, back and forth. After fighting it on and off he finally went into the ER and they admitted him into Good Sam. He spent the next three weeks getting testing done and getting weaker and they couldn’t figure out what was going on. Every time I went to go visit he was in another test. They finally sent him via ambulance up to UW Medicine.

He spent a week there and they diagnosed him with an extremely rare autoimmune disease called HLH. I don’t understand exactly what it is still, something developed from having cancer in the past, your immune system going haywire, I don’t know. He had to go through aggressive chemo to restart his immune system again though. He had done one week, he did another week, he was doing better! He was told he’d get to come home in between treatments. He was supposed to come home ON his birthday, 10/10/16. We went out and bought a cake, an ice cream cake that’s still in our work freezer, we had a pizza party planned coordinated with his wife (this man LOVED pizza and beer like it was a religious experience). Monday came and then we were told he wasn’t coming home, but possibly could be transferred back to Good Sam. He was joking via text with Keith that he feels the only way they would cut the strings is if he packed his bag himself and left.

He was still in Seattle Tuesday. That night we got news from his wife that his blood pressure dropped drastically and suddenly to nothing and he was rushed to ICU. He went into cardiac arrest and was put on breathing tubes/was unconscious. Wednesday morning at the office we were making plans to go see him, Shana was going to go up early. Keith would go after his shift was over at 1pm, and I was going to meet Smossy in SeaTac and 3pm and we’d go. We didn’t want to overwhelm his wife.. I’ll never forget this …. We had the maps pulled up, how to get the hospital, we had our plans set. Shana went back to her desk and sat down and received a text and she quietly gasped, looked up at me with her jaw dropped and she looked up at me and we were locked in eye contact for what felt like a century and then I just screamed “NO!”.

She then read to us the text, that Brit’s lungs had collapsed, and he was passing that very moment peacefully in his sleep. It hit me like a ton of bricks, there was no way, NO WAY. It was fake, it couldn’t be real. Shana took off out of the office, then Keith, I was frozen. Finally I grabbed my keys and ran out and I seen Keith standing in the parking lot and I just ran to him I felt so small and like a kid literally losing his father. Shana joined us and we just sat there in a ball of tears. They made me call Shaun to come get me and drive me home.

After that day I thought I was okay, I’d be okay, had to work some on Saturday and then the power went out during our “Storm of the Century”. Monday was hard, we tried to cheer each other up, laugh about old times. Wednesday while talking to Keith, he teared up again and in that moment I don’t know what happened but it was REAL. Brit had been gone in the hospital for so long we’d gotten used to his absence but I finally realized he isn’t coming back. His desk is next to mine and it is exactly as he left it, but he isn’t coming back. I just lost it and haven’t been able to gather myself since then.

Southpole I think you're right, I didn't know what else to do. I know a lot on here have gone through grief and experienced this heartbreak ..  Smossy is confused on what to do and my best friend is probably overwhelmed by now. I tried to be helpful and focus on threads and posting here and there to get my mind off of it but it didn’t work so posting and writing about it seemed like the next step.

[JLS]

I'm sorry for your loss.  Time will heal, but only if you let it.  Don't try to make sense of it, just realize the blessing that he was in your life and pay that forward to someone else.

Eat the elephant one bite at a time....

[Bob33]

You have a whole lot of supporters on here who are thinking of you in this time of sadness.

[Becky]

You have a whole lot of supporters on here who are thinking of you in this time of sadness.

I do, I didn't expect it, I'm truly thankful for all who have reached out to me. I just needed a place to open up, whether viewed or not, and I'm glad I did. Today has been a slightly better one.

[Rainier10]

You have a whole lot of supporters on here who are thinking of you in this time of sadness.

I do, I didn't expect it, I'm truly thankful for all who have reached out to me. I just needed a place to open up, whether viewed or not, and I'm glad I did. Today has been a slightly better one.

That a girl, glad to here it. Hang in there.

[jmscon]

I'm sorry for your loss!

Time helps, for sure!

He lives on inside of you and the people who knew him. When you get together with the loved ones who knew him you will each bring a part of him with you and he will be there. At work when you ask yourself "what would he do?" And he will smile down over your shoulder and let you know.

Hang in there, it's going to be tough for a while but slowly the grief will get more manageable.

[quadrafire]

As my Granny says  "tincture of time" will heal all. She's right. But the clock doesn't seem to fit our timeframe.
God bless

[nwwanderer]

He 'taught you so much' because he knew you could handle it and use it to move forward.  Carry on.  From what I have read and seen he chose will.

[Gringo31]

I'll post something I've posted before, granted it's from the Bible but I think it's spot on whether or not one "believes".

It is better to go to a house of mourning
than to go to a house of feasting,
for death is the destiny of everyone;
the living should take this to heart.

The point is that death is a major reality check for all of us.  We each owe one.  When in this kind of situation, I try to focus on WHY that person made a difference to my life and HOW I can use their example, and make positive differences to others.  The fact you feel pain in this loss says something.  The fact that it is a loss!  I can think of a few people where I would argue them dying isn't much of a loss....     I'm not trying to be disrespectful with my humor, but if you only feel the pain of a loss without learning from them how to make a difference in other peoples lives......then it is indeed just a loss......

Find the silver lining.....

The only thing that makes it better is time........but during that time, think of the gift of time you've been given and make the best of it 

[cedarriver]

 So sorry for your loss. Sounds to me that he gave you everything you need to have the confidence to go forward in ALL you do. Make him proud and live your life, and do your job the way you know he would want you to live it. There is a time to morn but there is also a time to realize he would not want you spend too much time there, celebrate his life and all he has shown you. Prayers for you and God Bless.

[Becky]

I wanted to update on this... Everyone who reached out to me, those who personally shared with me, you all gave me strength to really push on and get through that last week. Brit's wake was last Saturday, it was beautiful and happy and filled with good memories and good people. It was humbling, and helped ground me to see how many people were personally affected by him in different ways.

With that said, when it rains it pours... and that Saturday night after Brit's wake Shaun received the most painful of news ... a close childhood friend of his, his "brother", had committed suicide. I can't even begin to express how painful it is to have my heart ripped wide open again when the scar tissue was only just starting to heal. I hurt so incredibly bad, especially for these men, these brothers, that he left behind. His roommate who was there when it happened, another childhood friend of Shaun's and a good friend of mine as well, is incredibly lost and I am doing everything in my power to take the small strength you all gave me here and try to help. It's one thing to lose someone who was older and fighting his health, this is so so different.. 

I can't and won't go into details out of respect to him, just that he was 30 and still had too much life to live. He was such an amazing person, and I hope you will all continue to pray for healing, for help, for mending. So many questions, and so much uncertainty.. If I'm not around for a while on here I'm sorry, I'm only one small person lost in this whole mess of emotions.

[Becky]

... it happens in threes. I know I don't deserve to ask but can you praying ones please add in healing for my other coworker Keith, who just this very moment as I was typing got the phone call that his mom has passed away. Today is exactly 6 months since his dad passed earlier this year.

[DaveMonti]

SG, my thoughts are with you and your loved ones during this difficult time.  Stay strong and lean on those around you for strength.
Dave

[Sakko300wsm]

Sorry for your pain Becky- prayers and thoughts are with you. Keep your head up

[jennabug]

Prayers and more prayers for your strength and healing, and for those around you.

[ghosthunter]

Honor him with your success.

[Becky]

Thank you. I'm just so incredibly overwhelmed, but trying my best to pay forward the kind words and strength I've received from some very special friends on here. I'm going to continue to try to be strong, and be there for Smossy and the other close friends who are now suffering and hurting because of this suicide  ..

[Rainier10]

Hang in there and remember take care of you first.  Much like on an airplane if the oxygen masks deploy, get yours on first and then help others.  Take care of yourself first and then work to help those around you.  There will be ups and downs, I am sure they will return the favor.

[DaveMonti]

 
Good advice Rick.  My sentiments exactly.  Take care of yourself SG.  You can do that and help others as well.

[kellama2001]

So sorry to hear how much more pain has been heaped on you    Extra prayers for all involved 

[PNWJimbo]

Really sorry you are going through this, your post conveys how special this guy was, not only to you but probably to everyone he met. Some people are just great like that. This feeling of grief will pass but your memories together never will.

[silverdalesauer]

Praying for you and all those mentioned in this post that are experiencing great loss, suffering, and pain.