Just Sad...

[Sitka_Blacktail]

Tough, tough, tough....... But he wouldn't want you to hurt too long over this. He wanted you to succeed from the start, that is clear. The best thing you can do is to take what he taught you and run with it and do your best to do what would have made him proud. You'll honor him by your efforts. Have the same faith and trust in yourself he had.

I'm not saying to forget him. Or to not grieve. I'm saying to justify his faith in you.

As for grieving, when you are really close to someone, it takes time to "get over it". Time is about the only thing that will dull the pain and feelings of loss. But you'll wake up one morning and smile when you think of him instead of feeling sad.

[Rainier10]

I am so sorry for your loss.  Trust yourself, he trusted you, you know your stuff.  I am sure you are shaken, lean on those around you to steady yourself.

Again super sorry to hear of your loss.

[Fl0und3rz]

Sorry for your loss.

[Brushbuster]

So sorry for the pain you are feeling SG.

There will be a time, when the thought of your mentor and friend will bring a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye. My prayer for you is that day will come sooner than later.

Brushbuster

[Igottanewknee]

Sorry for your loss. As others have posted, it gets better...

[pianoman9701]

Sorry, my friend.

[kellama2001]

So sorry to hear, he sounds like a great man. Unfortunately I have lots of experience with grief, and everyone's right, it takes time time and more time. In my experience it never stops hurting, you just learn to deal with the pain better over time. You rearrange your life to adjust to the new "normal", life without that person. Try to focus on the happy memories and be sure to keep talking to people as long as you need to. Internalizing the hurt will only make it worse. Going through every stage of grief is the only way to heal. My thoughts and prayers are with you and all who are affected by his loss 

[bracer40]

Losing loved ones sucks......worse than probably anything else...."when will the pain go away?" In my experience, it never does.  But it does get more bearable. Unfortunately it takes time...spending time with others who've experienced similar loss can help......time in nature's helped....

My condolences to you.

[Becky]

Thank you all, so much. You have no idea. I was up so late last night just writing, writing about him, up until probably 2-3 am. I wanted to share so badly how interesting he was and how much I wish I could have talked him into joining the forum. Social media in any form was absolutely the LAST thing he could fathom doing and I feel he was dragged into this last decade kicking and screaming. Old soul yet just an absolutely insane computer nerd and old “white hat” hacker, whatever that means.

I think it just all finally hit me yesterday. Brit has had some medical issues, he survived two bouts of cancer before I ever knew him. Last year he ended up admitted to Good Sam for a couple weeks because he had gotten a flu so bad he puked in his sleep and aspirated into his lungs, his throat closed up, and thankfully his wife had gotten an ambulance in time. To me he was ALWAYS such a fighter.

Our company LOVES guns and staunch supporter of 2A I’ll just say. Shana my boss and I took a handgun class some years ago because Brit and Keith absolutely INSISTED we get our CPL to protect ourselves coming and going from work. Once I had my little daily carry Sig, Keith took me out with his family to the woods to train me the ins and outs of my own gun and to be completely comfortable holstering, shooting, having it on me. We spent hours that day, he had a whole training course setup for his daughter (same age) and me, complete with obstacles and even an old purse he picked up from the Goodwill so we knew how to carry it with our hand on the gun and shoot through it if necessary. He is a retired air force veteran, and he knows his handguns. Then there was Brit on the other hand, he was the eccentric. He chose not to have kids in his life because he was “selfish” (his words). He loved his toys - legos, fun robots, kites, his computers and his guns. He was the rifle man for sure, we had a thick steel plate on display he shot through from his 50 cal at such and such distance (I don’t remember), but I was dying to shoot it. He was trying to teach me about uppers and lowers, silencers and tax stamps, he had an FFL license back in the day.

I had bought an AR-15 pistol a couple months back and I was SO excited. I was so excited to learn from him and I wanted to build it from what I learnt from him and show it to him. Our company picnic we had plans to go out for a day of all of us bringing our small arsenal to head into the woods. Brit started getting sick though... He just didn’t feel good, and that was rare for him to ever miss work. He’d come in a couple days and then be home, back and forth. After fighting it on and off he finally went into the ER and they admitted him into Good Sam. He spent the next three weeks getting testing done and getting weaker and they couldn’t figure out what was going on. Every time I went to go visit he was in another test. They finally sent him via ambulance up to UW Medicine.

He spent a week there and they diagnosed him with an extremely rare autoimmune disease called HLH. I don’t understand exactly what it is still, something developed from having cancer in the past, your immune system going haywire, I don’t know. He had to go through aggressive chemo to restart his immune system again though. He had done one week, he did another week, he was doing better! He was told he’d get to come home in between treatments. He was supposed to come home ON his birthday, 10/10/16. We went out and bought a cake, an ice cream cake that’s still in our work freezer, we had a pizza party planned coordinated with his wife (this man LOVED pizza and beer like it was a religious experience). Monday came and then we were told he wasn’t coming home, but possibly could be transferred back to Good Sam. He was joking via text with Keith that he feels the only way they would cut the strings is if he packed his bag himself and left.

He was still in Seattle Tuesday. That night we got news from his wife that his blood pressure dropped drastically and suddenly to nothing and he was rushed to ICU. He went into cardiac arrest and was put on breathing tubes/was unconscious. Wednesday morning at the office we were making plans to go see him, Shana was going to go up early. Keith would go after his shift was over at 1pm, and I was going to meet Smossy in SeaTac and 3pm and we’d go. We didn’t want to overwhelm his wife.. I’ll never forget this …. We had the maps pulled up, how to get the hospital, we had our plans set. Shana went back to her desk and sat down and received a text and she quietly gasped, looked up at me with her jaw dropped and she looked up at me and we were locked in eye contact for what felt like a century and then I just screamed “NO!”.

She then read to us the text, that Brit’s lungs had collapsed, and he was passing that very moment peacefully in his sleep. It hit me like a ton of bricks, there was no way, NO WAY. It was fake, it couldn’t be real. Shana took off out of the office, then Keith, I was frozen. Finally I grabbed my keys and ran out and I seen Keith standing in the parking lot and I just ran to him I felt so small and like a kid literally losing his father. Shana joined us and we just sat there in a ball of tears. They made me call Shaun to come get me and drive me home.

After that day I thought I was okay, I’d be okay, had to work some on Saturday and then the power went out during our “Storm of the Century”. Monday was hard, we tried to cheer each other up, laugh about old times. Wednesday while talking to Keith, he teared up again and in that moment I don’t know what happened but it was REAL. Brit had been gone in the hospital for so long we’d gotten used to his absence but I finally realized he isn’t coming back. His desk is next to mine and it is exactly as he left it, but he isn’t coming back. I just lost it and haven’t been able to gather myself since then.

Southpole I think you're right, I didn't know what else to do. I know a lot on here have gone through grief and experienced this heartbreak ..  Smossy is confused on what to do and my best friend is probably overwhelmed by now. I tried to be helpful and focus on threads and posting here and there to get my mind off of it but it didn’t work so posting and writing about it seemed like the next step.

[JLS]

I'm sorry for your loss.  Time will heal, but only if you let it.  Don't try to make sense of it, just realize the blessing that he was in your life and pay that forward to someone else.

Eat the elephant one bite at a time....

[Bob33]

You have a whole lot of supporters on here who are thinking of you in this time of sadness.

[Becky]

You have a whole lot of supporters on here who are thinking of you in this time of sadness.

I do, I didn't expect it, I'm truly thankful for all who have reached out to me. I just needed a place to open up, whether viewed or not, and I'm glad I did. Today has been a slightly better one.

[Rainier10]

You have a whole lot of supporters on here who are thinking of you in this time of sadness.

I do, I didn't expect it, I'm truly thankful for all who have reached out to me. I just needed a place to open up, whether viewed or not, and I'm glad I did. Today has been a slightly better one.

That a girl, glad to here it. Hang in there.

[jmscon]

I'm sorry for your loss!

Time helps, for sure!

He lives on inside of you and the people who knew him. When you get together with the loved ones who knew him you will each bring a part of him with you and he will be there. At work when you ask yourself "what would he do?" And he will smile down over your shoulder and let you know.

Hang in there, it's going to be tough for a while but slowly the grief will get more manageable.

[quadrafire]

As my Granny says  "tincture of time" will heal all. She's right. But the clock doesn't seem to fit our timeframe.
God bless